DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN GAME OF THRONES S03E09 “THE RAINS OF CASTAMERE” YET!

Okay, normally when I do a piece on one my shows, I like to crack a few jokes, spoof a few things and have fun with it.

But we’re nearing the end of the season, so this recap may be a little different/longer so as to reference earlier show material.

This was also a mind fuck of an episode so it’s a lot to cover. So let’s begin.

The Starks:

We open up with a scene between Catelyn and Robb in council. Things have been strained between the two ever since Lady Stark released Jaime Lannister in hopes to exchange him for her daughters in King’s Landing, pissing off some of the bannerman and Robb himself. Still, it’s at this point he’s realized that he’s not exactly free of fuck ups himself, by ignoring his mother’s advice, it has already cost his family quite a bit. They lost Winterfell when Theon “Thank God We Haven’t Seen Him In A Couple Of Episodes” Greyjoy tried to play big man in front of his father, and now Bran and Rickon are also gone.

Reluctantly, Catelyn agrees that asking Walder Frey for help is their only move, even though he can’t be trusted. But as she threatens to take away all that The Lannister’s love, it appears that The Stark’s have made up and now it’s time for war. Bring it on you yellow haired pricks!

Fast forward to Walder Frey’s house. Our “honoured guests” pass around the “bread and salt”, which should be noted as it was a custom of hospitality and protection. If you ate bread and salt in one’s home, you couldn’t harm each other under the sacred laws of hospitality, to do so will invoke the wrath of both the old gods and the new.

So as they settle in, Walder introduces an army of homely chicks as his various daughters and granddaughters, making Edmure look queasy in knowing that he’s about to marry one of these chicks, an extended olive branch after Robb broke his word. Something that he says Kings most of all shouldn’t break.

Robb continues with his apology as Walder responds with a slow clap worthy of a Karate Kid flick. He then asks to take a look at Talisa, the woman who Robb broke his promise to Walder’s daughters for. Frey is a cheerful old man, full of sunshine and politeness as he tells us how much he’d love to have a go at her, and that Robb betrayed his word for a firm pair of tits and a tight fit. The King is clearly insulted but holds his tongue in favor of diplomacy. Once Walder’s done being a prick, he says it’s time to party.

Daenerys Targaryen:

Off to Yunkai, we’re in another war council, this time with Dany and crew. And, as Daario moves around charming his way through the meeting, Ser Jorah’s jealousy of being in the friend zone is starting to show. He has doubts of Daario’s plan and intentions, so the decision is left up to Grey Worm (who is a boss). He says “fuck it, I like this guy, let’s fight these Yunkish pricks” (roughly translated of course)

Samwell:

Off to the least interesting story of the season, Piggy and his girlfriend wandering around the woods, she continues to demonstrate what an inbred hick she really is, while he pulls a Homer and shines ever so bright in her eyes.

There was another Sam that walked a lot, Samwise Gamgee! And Tarly makes that roly-poly bastard seem like Tywin Lannister!

I don’t “hate” the guy, but I’m not having a good time with how long this story is taking. If we’re going to watch people on a cross country mission, let it be Jaime and Brienne (who better have screen time in the finale).

Arya & The Hound:

Luckily we don’t have to put up with it very long as we’re over to my new favorite emerging duo, Sandor “The Hound” Clegane and Arya. She still hates his fucking guts, he’s still trying his best to be a prick but it’s starting to show that he’s not as bad as he wants us to believe.

Clegane stops an old salt pork merchant on his own way to the wedding with a broken down cart. He helps the unsuspecting stranger before knocking him out, intending to kill him and take his cart as “dead rats don’t squeak”. Arya manages to stop him and The Hound reminds her that one day her kindness will get her killed.

Bran, Rickon & The Wildlings:

We’re off to Bran and crew who need to weather a storm in an old windmill, little do they know, down the street Jon Snow and his new wildling buddies are planning to rob and kill a horse breeder against Jon’s wishes. Luckily for the lone horseman, the wildlings idea of a sneak attack is to spread out in a open field and run from 300 yards away. Because of this Jon is able to alert the man by making a noise with his sword against a rock, allowing the old man to escpape by horseback.

Arya & The Hound

Arya stands looking across the water at Walder Frey’s property with a look of despair on her face. The Hound taunts her by saying she’s afraid that she won’t make it. The closer she gets, the worse the fear gets. She then tells him he looked like a scared little girl in front of Lord Beric’s flaming sword (during the fight with The Brotherhood in the cave), and it’s because his own brother Gregor burnt his face in the fireplace like a “nice juicy mutton chop” that he’s such a punk about it. The Hound reminds her that this is the closest she’s been to her family since her daddy’s neck was snipped. She promises that “some day, I’m going to put a sword through your eye and out the back of your skull”. Such conversationalists these two are, I love it.

Bran, Rickon & The Wildlings:

Everyone tells Bran how cool he is now, but Jon Snow’s not feeling the same love from his friends outside. Orell demands that he’s gotta kill the old man to prove he’s one of them, crazy beard Tormund agrees but Jon’s too honorable and can’t do it. The wildlings are not impressed and close in on the bastard, he pushes Ygritte out of harm’s way and goes in on the scrap but Bran’s got other plans. If he can control Hodor, surely he can control the two dire wolves outside.

And that he does, no sooner than he rolls his eyes back the wolves make purina puppy chow out of the wildlings throats and Jon gets away, but not before getting his face clawed out by the dying Orell’ss eagle, he jumps on a horse and leaves Ygritte behind to chill with her friends who have already told her “he’s one of them (crows)”

Daario, Jorah & Grey Worm:

Back in Yunkai, Daario, Ser Jorah and Grey Worm are ready to sneak into the city. At which point they’ll kill a couple of guards, sneak through the city and open the front gate. But things don’t always go as planned. As soon as they’re inside, a group of 10-15 slave soldiers attack and we get to see that these three are no joke when it comes to swinging a sword and spear.

They make short work of them but are now surrounded by another 30 or so more slaves, this could get ugly.

Walder Fray’s House:

Off to the wedding, Walder bring his daughter down the aisle to give to Edmure, and what do you know? She’s smoking hot! Walder winks at Robb as if to say “this could’ve been yours”.

Bran, Rickon & The Wildlings:

Bran and crew sit around and talk about what just happened, apparently he’s the only “warg” that can control a human. Bran says he saw Jon through the eyes of the wolf and Osha says that’s a sign that they need to get to Castle Black (something that she’s been saying all along since she won’t go north of The Wall). Bran says he has to go north to find the three eyed raven, but won’t allow Rickon to come because if something happens to Bran, he would be the new Lord of Winterfell. Rickon protests, Osha comforts him, but this is the end of the road for the two brothers.

Daenerys Targaryen:

Back at Dany’s tent, she grows impatient but she won’t have to wait for long. Ser Jorah and Grey Worm report, but all Dany asks is “and Daario Naharis?”. Damn, Ser Jorah, double friend zone. The look on his face is like “WTF” as Dany looks through him in search of Daario, who then approaches informing her that the city is hers.

“Ser Jorah, what news of the attack?”

“Dude, we kicked ass! You should’ve seen it… I almost DIED!”

“Yes, yes, that’s great. But what about the new guy, the one who joined yesterday?”

“…….”

“????”

The Wedding:

Off to the wedding reception, everyone’s getting drunk and shooting the shit. Catelyn is stuck with Roose Bolton who talks about his wife Walda. Yet another daughter of Frey’s whom he agreed to marry in return for her weight in gold (which is why he says he picked the fattest daughter he could find… that’a boy!)

Walder announces that it’s time for the bedding ceremony and waits for his Sire’s blessing, at which point Robb obliges. Talisa thinks the whole custom is strange but Robb is still in good spirits as it’s tradition. Catelyn reminisces with Roose about her own wedding to Eddard Stark,  saying that Ned forbade it, claiming that it wouldn’t be right to break a man’s jaw on his wedding night.

Robb and Talisa continue with their affections as the discussion turns to their unborn child. Talisa, who is now showing a noticeable baby bump doesn’t know whether it’s a boy or girl, but if it’s a boy she’ll name him Eddard.

The band closes out the current number and there’s a brief moment as one of Walder’s men closes the main door to the reception hall after the “bedding train”. The band strikes up again with “The Rains Of Castamere”, but this doesn’t appear to be one of Lady Catelyn’s favourite jams.

The Hound and Arya pull up to the gate in their pork merchant disguise as the guard tells him to turn it around, party’s over. Glegane doesn’t agree, but the guard says turn it around and they comply.

Back in the hall, Walder calls upon his grace to inform him that he has been remiss in his duties as a host, yes it’s been a good party up until that point but he hasn’t fully shown him the hospitality he deserves. It dawns on Lady Stark as she looks under Roose’s sleeve to see his chain mail armor, she slaps him and yells to Robb to warn him, but it’s too late.

Walder’s man approaches Talisa from behind, pulls out his knife and thrusts it into Talisa (and baby Eddard) repeatedly. More Frey men pull out their own knives and begin slashing the throats of the Stark banner men, the gallery reveals it’s archers and begin to rain down arrows on Robb who takes two, and Catelyn who takes on in the back. Walder Frey is taking in the chaos with a smile as he slowly sits down to enjoy his beverage and the rest of the show.

Outside Arya is trying to sneak into the the hall, she curiously spots a few of Frey’s men approach Robb’s soldiers who make a comment about Winterfell before pulling out their blades and slaying the men. She notices Robb’s dire wolf desperately trying to get out of his his cage, she tries to get to him but she can’t do anything but watch as Walder’s men fire their crossbows into the pen killing him.

Arya has seen so much over the last 3 seasons, but she won’t see anymore tonight. As she runs towards the hall The Hound grabs her and tells her it’s too late, she wheels in defiance but he knocks her out and carries her out of there.

Inside we see Catelyn crawl underneath a table to shelter before a camera shot of Talisa’s hand on her own bloodied belly, taking her last breaths as Robb tries to get to her. Walder mocks him as he picks up Talisa’s now lifeless body.

Catelyn can’t handle it anymore, she grabs a knife and grabs Walder’s own wife who is also cowering under a table during the chaos, she tells him that if Robb, her first born (and who she believes to be her last living son) can walk out of there, she will spare Mrs. Frey and states there will be no repercussions. She then begs Robb to get up and walk out, but The King In The North is paralyzed with grief.

She holds the knife tighter to Walder’s wife’s throat and swears that she will cut, at which point Frey says “I’ll find another”

Robb looks to his mother one last time just as Roose Bolton guts him, sending regards from The Lannisters. As Catelyn cries out in horror, she slices the young Mrs. Frey, looks down and awaits her own punishment.

Walder’s assassin pulls out a sharp blade and slices her throat, blood gushes as she remains on her feet for one last moment until her body gives up and hits the floor. Fade to credits, no music, holy shit.

Don’t forget to check out Game Of Thrones: Reactions To The Red Wedding for video and tweets from around the web of fans after seeing The Rains of Castamere. And of course the trailer to next week’s episode and season finale: Mysha.

Game Of Thrones: Mysha

Season Finale Promo